Becoming the Woman of His Dreams (PDF)

Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 1 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTER- NATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Verses marked nasb are taken from the New American Standard Bible ®, © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org) Verses marked tlb are taken from The Living Bible, Copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyn- dale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189 USA. All rights reserved. Verses marked amp are taken from The Amplified Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. All rights reserved. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org) Verses marked rsv are taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952, 1971 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Verses marked kjv are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Verses marked nlt are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189 USA. All rights reserved. Verses marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Cover by Franke Design and Illustration, Minneapolis, Minnesota Cover photo © Streetangel / Getty BECOMING THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS Copyright © 2005 by Sharon Jaynes Published by Harvest House Publishers Eugene, Oregon 97402 www.harvesthousepublishers.com ISBN 978-0-7369-5995-7 (pbk.) ISBN 978-0-7369-5996-4 (eBook) The Library of Congress has catalogued the edition as follows: Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Jaynes, Sharon. Becoming the woman of his dreams / Sharon Jaynes. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-7369-1351-3 (pbk.) 1. Sex role—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Marriage—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Man- woman relationships—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Christian women—Religious life. I. Title. BT708.J39 2005 248.8’435—dc22 2004015768 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Printed in the United States of America 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 / LB-JH / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 2 10/24/14 9:49 AM Copyrighted material  This book is dedicated to Bruce and Mary Ellen Jaynes, whose marriage is and will be a legacy for generations to come. � Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 3 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Acknowledgments This book would not be possible without the hundreds of men from all walks of life who shared openly and honestly about what they longed for in a wife. Thank you for giving of yourselves by filling out lengthy question- naires and succumbing to tough interview questions. A special thanks to so many of my friends who shared part of their lives with me in order to help build strong marriages. I am awed at your willingness to let others see the “not so pretty” parts of your lives. Bonnie Lillie, Linda and Buck Butler, Don and Jona Wright, Gene Vaughan, Jill and Jeremy Tracey, Ted and Beverly Greve…you’re the best! I am also grateful to the incredible staff of Proverbs 31 Ministries for your continued support and encouragement: Lysa TerKeurst, Mary Southerland, Lara LeQuire, Marie Ogram, Barb Spenser, Renee Swope, Micca Campbell, Ginger Plowman, Glynnis Whitwer, Laurie Webster, Shelly Chen, and Van Walton. It is an honor to serve with you in bringing God’s peace, perspec- tive, and purpose to today’s busy woman. I am so blessed to once again work with my Harvest House Publishers team: editor Kim Moore, managing editor Betty Fletcher, and editorial vice presi- dent Barb Sherrill. A special thanks also to LaRae Weikert and Terry Glaspey. You are such a joy to work with! Finally, I am so thankful for my husband, Steve. Thank you for reading and rereading, for sharing your words of wisdom, and for loving me through the process. You are the man of my dreams. Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 4 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Contents 1. An Invitation to Play the Starring Role . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Section One Prays for Him 2. What Does Prayer Have to Do with It? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 3. Then God Created an Intercessor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 4. Prayer Changes People . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Section Two Respects Him 5. The One Thing He Can’t Do Without . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 6. Two Heads Are Not Always Better Than One . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 7. Wanting What You Have vs. Having What You Want. . . . . . . 55 8. A Picture Paints a Thousand Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 9. Happy Endings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Twenty-Five Ways to Show Respect Section Three Adores Him 10. The Longing of His Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75 11. Love on a Silver Platter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85 12. Serving in a Me-First Society . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95 13. Romance Is Not Just for Us Girls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 14. Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 Twenty-Five Ways to Show Your Husband You Adore Him Section Four Initiates Intimate Friendship with Him 15. A Thousand Sharings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 16. Creating Commonalities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 17. Communicating Effectively . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Twenty-Five Ways to Be a Good Listener Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 5 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Section Five Safeguards Her Marriage 18. In-Laws or Out-Laws? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 19. Then There Were Three . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 20. Guard Your Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161 21. Homeland Security . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171 Twenty-Five Ways to Safeguard Your Marriage Section Six Encourages Him 22. The Power of a Word . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181 23. Don’t Try to Out-Man Your Man. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189 24. What You Plant Is What You Grow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195 25. Chief Cheerleader or Chief Critic? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205 Twenty-Five Things to Never Say to Your Spouse Twenty-Five Things Your Husband Longs to Hear Section Seven Sexually Fulfills Him 26. The First Chapter in His Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 217 27. Recharging His Battery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225 28. The Right and Fright of Refusal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231 29. Get Creative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237 Twenty-Five Tips for Making Sparks Fly Epilogue: What Will the Future Hold? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247 Appendix: Praying Scriptural Prayers for Your Husband from Head to Toe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251 Study Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261 Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 289 Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 6 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  7  ONE An Invitation to Play the Starring Role “And they lived happily ever after.” Wait a minute. That is supposed to be the end of the story, not the beginning. Well, my friend, I think that has been our problem in marriage all along. To have a great marriage, we must begin with the hoped-for end in mind. Every word we speak, every decision we make, and every action we take will either move us closer to or take us fur- ther away from that end. From the time a little girl first hears fairy tales of the damsel in dis- tress being rescued by the handsome prince, captivated by his pledge of never-ending love, and whisked away on a white steed into the sun- set, a dream begins to take shape on the stage of her mind. She hopes and prays that one day her prince will come. And then…one day he does! Oh, he may not look like the prince in the storybooks, or even like the one from her childhood imaginings, but he is her prince none- theless. Will the words “and they lived happily ever after” appear before the final curtain falls? My dear sister, this is not just something we hope for. It is something we work toward. It is the goal, and you, fair lady, have been invited to play the starring role. Have you ever considered that your husband had similar notions Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 7 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Becoming the Woman of His Dreams 8 of what his dream wife would be like? As a little boy he probably didn’t sit around reading fairy tales about becoming a prince—a warrior, maybe—but not the neat-and-tidy young man who placed his lips upon Snow White’s to wake her from a cursed sleep. He most likely skipped the Barbie aisle where Malibu Ken stood with every hair in place on his plastic head and went straight for the G.I. JOEs. Our spouses probably didn’t give much thought to what they wanted in a wife until their teen years. However, your husband’s vision of a future mate most assuredly began to unfurl when he laid eyes on you. Remember the courting days? That’s when we ladies put our best foot forward—in hopes that the glass slipper will fit. With a smile on our lips and a sparkle in our eyes, we somehow convinced this man that we are what he’s been looking for his entire life! The woman of his dreams! So we buy the beautiful dress, gather with family and friends, and walk down the aisle to say, “I do.” Then the organ blasts, and we walk out the door into reality. This is where the glass slipper meets the road. Can we do it? Can we be the woman of our man’s dreams? Do we really even want to? When I married my wonderful husband, Steve, I had no idea what it would take to truly become the woman of his dreams. Oh, he told me that I already was, but I had an inkling there would be more to hav- ing a happy marriage than the fact that I loved Steve and Steve loved me. Even on our wedding day, the most beautiful day of my life, I had a suspicion there was more to discovering what it meant to truly become one. It didn’t take me very long to learn that I was right. In the Bible, Proverbs 31 describes the wife of noble character. “An excellent wife, who can find? Her worth is far above jewels (Proverbs 31:10 nasb). This gal was smart, skillful, thrifty, industrious, and strong. She had a reverence for God and was a blessed mother, keeper of her home, savvy money manager, faithful friend and mentor, and com- passionate servant in the community. She was a powerful force long before Helen Reddy sang “I am woman, hear me roar.” And what did her husband think about all her admirable qualities? He praised Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 8 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  An Invitation to Play the Starring Role 9 her saying, “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all” (Proverbs 31:29). What would it take for a man to praise his wife at the beginning and end of their lives together and all the days in between? In order to find the answer to that question, I surveyed hundreds of men and had countless interviews. I asked men the following questions: • How would you describe the woman of your dreams? • What do you wish your wife understood about you and your longings? • What does your wife do well that other women could learn from? • What has been the greatest struggle in your marriage? • How could your wife help alleviate that problem? • What is one thing you wish women understood about what a man wants in the woman of his dreams? As I compiled the interviews and surveys, I noticed seven qualities of the dream wife that kept coming up time and time again, and I have arranged them to fit the acrostic PRAISES. The woman of your man’s dreams prays for him, respects him, adores him, initiates intimate friend- ship with him, safeguards her marriage, encourages him, and sexually ful- fills him. While each man is as different as the prints on his fingertips, these seven qualities were universal. I want you to know that I am not coming to you as an expert who knows all there is to know about becoming the woman of my man’s dreams. Rather, I am learning right along with you. I discovered so much from the men I talked to throughout this journey. What touched me more than anything was that these men truly love their wives and want to have strong marriages built on a thousand sharings. They were very honest with me, and they felt safe to share what was really on their hearts and minds. However, most did not feel safe enough for me to use their real names. That is a commentary in itself. Because of their Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 9 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Becoming the Woman of His Dreams 10 honesty, you may see some things you don’t like, the hair may bris- tle on the back of your neck, and you may throw the book down in a huff. But I would encourage you to keep reading if you really want to become the woman of your man’s dreams. Sprinkled throughout the pages are glimpses of various men’s hearts as they shared their responses. Who knows? You may even see yourself mirrored in a response or two. So join me now on a fantastic journey where you are the leading lady with the starring role in the grand drama called marriage, and dis- cover with me the joys of Becoming the Woman of His Dreams. Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 10 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material   SECTION ONE Prays for Him Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 11 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 12 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  13  TWO What Does Prayer Have to Do with It? Okay, ladies, I have a confession to make right from the beginning. Of all the men I surveyed and interviewed, prayer was not at the top of their wish list. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we cannot become the woman of our man’s dreams without it. Prayer must be the foundation for everything we do. And I can promise you this: We can read all the marriage books in print, and even write a few, but without God’s empowerment we will fail. I don’t know where you are in your spiritual journey. Perhaps prayer is part of your everyday life and you speak to God as one speaks to a friend. Perhaps prayer is something you do before mealtimes or before you lay your head on the pillow at night. Perhaps you are more comfortable repeating prayers penned by saints who have gone before us. No matter where you are on the continuum between never pray- ing and constant communication with God, this is the place we have to start. If talking to God is a new concept for you, I encourage you to join me in considering how to tap into the only power source that can give you the will, wit, and wisdom to becoming the woman of your man’s dreams. If you’ve been married for longer than a week, you’ve probably Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 13 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  Becoming the Woman of His Dreams 14 already noticed that marriage is difficult. We nod and agree when the pastor says, “And the two shall become one,” but then we waltz down the aisle and out the door to determine which one. Many of us snuff out the candles representing our separate lives and light the unity can- dle only to begin the process of snuffing each other out. I remember sitting in front of a mirror on my wedding day, brush- ing my hair and staring at the reflection of a woman so full of hope and promise. I was overflowing with love for this man of my dreams, who in just a few moments was going to be my husband…forever. Then my musing took a twist. Doesn’t every bride feel this way about her groom on her wedding day? What causes 50 percent of marriages to end in divorce? What could possibly mar this beautiful union? Staring at myself in the mirror, I made a commitment that when I said the words, “I do,” then “I would.” I made a promise to God, to my husband, and to myself that I would do everything within my power to make our marriage a success. I quickly learned that “in my power” was not enough; I had to depend on God’s power working in and through me to be the wife my husband needs. Several years ago, when we built our home, I was so anxious to move in that I didn’t even wait for the power company to turn the electricity on. The builder told me I needed to wait at least two more weeks, but I had already waited four months longer than he had prom- ised when the project was begun. “Ma’am,” the builder said, “you can’t move in this house. The pow- er’s not even turned on!” “Well, how do your men run the construction equipment?” I asked. “See that little box on the telephone pole?” he pointed out. “The power company puts what’s called a saw box on the pole there. It gives us just enough electricity to run our equipment, but certainly not enough to run a house.” “If it’s enough for you, then it’s enough for me,” I countered. Sensing he was going to lose the battle, he continued. “Okay, here’s the deal. You can move in, but you can only turn on a few lights at a time. If you want to take a shower, you have to turn off all the lights Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 14 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material  What Does Prayer Have to Do with It? 15 and let the water heater warm up for about 30 minutes. Then you have to flip the switch back off when you’re done.” Victory was in the air! We moved in. At first it was very exciting, like camping out in a really nice tent. But after a while I grew tired of take-out food and cold showers, and candlelight dinners were no longer romantic. We were thrilled when the power company came a few weeks later and connected our house to the power source. I turned on the lights, took a hot shower, and preheated the oven—all at the same time. As I sat and watched the men remove the saw box from the tele- phone pole, I was struck with the similarities of how I live my life at times. God gave me the power of the Holy Spirit the moment I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, and He invites me to tap into that power every day. Some days I live on just enough of God’s power to get by, and some days I feel as though I’m powered up with all cir- cuits open. The difference comes when I decide to plug into the power source Himself—through prayer. I never want to live off the saw box again. And I never want to have just enough of God in my life to get by—my marriage depends on it. Woman of his dreams? Why, some days I’ve been the woman of his dreams, all right. A nightmare in which I was the star. Then again, some days I have been the woman of his deepest longings and Steve’s had a hard time wiping that silly grin off his face. Whether you’ve spent more time being Cinderella or Cruella De Vil, here’s where we start from this day forward—prayer. Describe the woman of my dreams? I’m married to her. She is a very godly woman who loves the Lord. She is patient, forgiving, tender, loving, and puts up with me, warts and all. —Dan My wife has a wonderful ability to connect with others and their suffering. What an amazing gift God has given her. —Don Describe the woman of my dreams? The one I have. She loves Becoming the Woman of His Dreams.indd 15 10/24/14 9:36 AM Copyrighted material