CHOOSE COURAGE - In Your Relationships - Ruth Schimel (PDF)

CHOOSE COURAGE In Your Relationships Profit from Problems Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D.  Choose Courage in Your Relationships: Profit From Problems by Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D. Career & Life Management Consultant  DON’T MISS THIS GROUNDBREAKING BOOK THAT PROVIDES THE FOUNDATION FOR THE HANDBOOKS Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want by Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D. Career & Life Management Consultant Available at www.amazon.com or through neighborhood bookstores In paperback and Kindle editions ISBN: 13:149034303 Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want  ACCLAIM FOR CHOOSE COURAGE We are in the era as never before where individuals can express who they are, what they believe in, what they seek, and where to move forward across most of the globe. Technology has enabled and empowered the ability to have a platform to express your opinion (from Tweets to blog posts, to other means). Thus the timely publication of the Dr. Ruth Schimel’s new book entitled “Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want” is ideal to guide individuals to not only pursue their dreams but also to realize them. Choose Courage offers a unique set of guidelines that is sensitive to the individual reader and allows everyone to tailor the recommendations to their own set of circumstances. Most “How-to Books” dictate a lofty set of rules and principles to the reader for the pathway to success. Dr. Schimel offers a positive, manageable, and realistic process. Choose Courage is an outstanding life map that guides a range of individuals from business leaders to elementary teachers to exhibit their courage and to use their respective talents without boundaries, without fear. Dr. Hubert Glover, Drexel University, Author of Giraffes of Technology: The Making of the 21st Century Leader USE AND BENEFITS OF CHOOSE COURAGE Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want transforms what could be a heroic cliché into concrete ways you can realize your true capacities. Based on doctoral-level research with everyday people, the book provides a 21st century definition of courage. The array of tools and guidance will help you build on your strengths and skills as well as transcend emotional barriers. Photos, art, humor, and poetry will also inspire your continuing action. The design of Choose Courage echoes the dynamism of life. Like the blended, spontaneous nature of jazz, this interactive book uses a range of disciplines to support fresh ideas and menus of processes; weave them into what you want and need. Since the approach reflects the incremental nature of actual progress, take the small steps in whatever order makes sense to you. Or use the sequence offered. You’ll be prompting your own potential and useful contributions from and to others.  THE CHOOSE COURAGE HANDBOOKS Promote your progress based on what engages and inspires you in Ruth’s major book: Choose Courage: Step Into the Life You Want. For further encouragement, explore the four related handbooks below in addition to Profit from Problems. New formats to promote your happiness and joy are planned. Custom-designed for your enjoyment, adaptation, and action, all handbooks are about 50-100 pages and interactive. They also offer powerful processes for group training and development. Click on the handbook titles to purchase your copies! Currently available handbooks: Step Into the Success You Want: Sparking Your Powers (Choose Courage Handbook #1) July 31, 2014 By Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. Create success as you define it and reduce barriers to progress. Step Into the Success You Want: Building Bridges to Achievement (Choose Courage Handbook #2) November 11, 2014 By Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. Pursue your true interests, manage time, attract merited attention, discover your and others’ heroes within, and access your wisdom. Choose Courage In Your Relationships: Empower Yourself First (Choose Courage Handbook #3) March 29, 2015 By Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. Make relationships flourish using your full range of interpersonal skills, viable expectations, care for others and unique charm.  vi Choose Courage in Your Relationships: Thrive Together (Choose Courage Handbook #4) November 19, 2015 By Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. Benefit from others’ originality and strengths in partnerships, friendships, love, and intergenerational situations. Use these processes to improve your choices.  Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D. Career & Life Management Consultant 202.659.1772 www.ruthschimel.com [email protected] Use your good judgment, intuition, intellect, and common sense as you apply and adapt suggestions and guidance from this handbook. Please do not use the text and illustrative material in this handbook for commercial purposes without written permission from the author. If used for academic purposes only, do not make any changes and notify the author in advance with details of use. Copyright© 2016 Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Cover graphic by Blen Getahun, www.blengdesign.com ISBN-13: 978-0692682890 (Choose Courage Publishing) ISBN-10: 0692682899  LIMIT OF LIABILITY AND DISCLAIMER The publisher and author have made their best efforts to prepare this book for your effective use and benefit. By all means use your good judgment and intuition to make the most of your experience with it. They make no representations or warranties to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book. Any implied warranties, merchantability, and fitness for a particular purpose are also disclaimed. This book is meant to be informational, inspirational, and educational. As such, it does not constitute psychological or medical guidance. Bear in mind that the suggestions and strategies may not be suitable for your situation. You should therefore consult with a professional as appropriate. Neither the author nor publisher shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, or consequential other damages.  DEDICATION This handbook is offered with appreciation to my clients and readers, as well as to my collaborator and production editor, Kathleen Sindell, Ph.D. (www.kathleensindell.com)  TABLE OF CONTENTS INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................... 1 KNOWLEDGE ............................................................................................................................. 3 SKILLS ...................................................................................................................................... 4 ABILITIES .................................................................................................................................. 4 NEXT STEPS .............................................................................................................................. 5 REALITIES IN CHOICES AND RELATIONSHIPS ......................................................................... 7 NEGOTIATE TO SOLVE PROBLEMS ........................................................................................ 9 DEFINITIONS RELATED TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION ............................................................. 10 CONFLICT: WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT ....................................................................................... 10 CHARACTERISTICS OF CONFLICT ................................................................................................... 10 CHARACTERISTICS OF LINGERING CONFLICT, ................................................................................... 11 TYPES OF CONFLICT RESOLUTON ARE ................................................................................. 11 VIOLENT ................................................................................................................................. 11 PEACEFUL ............................................................................................................................... 11 NEGOTIATION ......................................................................................................................... 12 AMBIVALENCE ABOUT CONFLICT: ....................................................................................... 12 BENEFITS AND RISKS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION ................................................................ 13 CONVENTIONAL APPROACH TO NEGOTIATION .................................................................. 14 ADVANTAGES OF POSITIONAL BARGAINING .................................................................................... 14 DISADVANTAGES OF POSITIONAL BARGAINING................................................................................ 14 WIN-WIN APPROACH TO NEGOTIATION ............................................................................ 15 PEOPLE .................................................................................................................................. 15 INTERESTS .............................................................................................................................. 15 OPTIONS ................................................................................................................................ 15 CRITERIA ................................................................................................................................ 15 STYLES OF NEGOTIATION ................................................................................................... 15 PROCESSES FOR NEGOTIATION .......................................................................................... 16 STRENGTHENING YOUR READINESS FOR NEGOTIATION .................................................................... 18 SOME GUIDELINES FOR PRACTICING NEGOTIATING SKILLS: ............................................................... 19  OPPORTUNITIES IN CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ..................................................................... 20 CULTURAL EXPOSURE THROUGH A FILM............................................................................ 21 CULTURAL ISSUES IN LARGER CONTEXTS ........................................................................... 21 ENJOY CULTURAL VARIETY ................................................................................................. 25 BENEFIT FROM DISCOMFORT IN DIFFERENCES................................................................... 26 THINK AGAINST YOURSELF TO THINK FOR YOURSELF ........................................................ 27 GUIDE ONE: BENEFIT FROM THE BRAIN IN YOUR GUT....................................... 29 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 29 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 30 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 30 TRUST YOUR INTUITION..................................................................................................... 30 FROM DISTRACTION TO FOCUS .......................................................................................... 31 FROM INTUITION TO ACTION............................................................................................. 32 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING, AND GUIDANCE .................................................... 32 GUIDE TWO: WAYS TO UNTANGLE PROBLEMS .................................................... 35 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 36 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 36 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 36 OVERVIEW AND OPPORTUNITIES ...................................................................................... 36 PROBLEMS ARE NOT ALWAYS SOLVABLE ........................................................................... 37 FIRST, DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM ACCURATELY .................................................................... 38 UNCOVER PROBLEM COMPLEXITY AND LAYERS ................................................................ 40 NO ONE BEST WAY: PROCESSES TO CONSIDER .................................................................. 41 GROUP BRAINSTORMING: FOCUSING AND FOLLOW-UP .................................................... 42 CASE ANALYSIS APPROACH TO PROBLEM SOLVING ........................................................... 43 CONVENTIONAL RESEARCH APPROACH ............................................................................. 43 APPROACH FOR RESOURCE-BASED PROBLEMS .................................................................. 44  GENERIC PROBLEM SOLVING ............................................................................................. 44 CONCLUSIONS .................................................................................................................... 45 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING AND GUIDANCE...................................................... 45 GUIDE THREE: MANAGE RELATIONSHIP SABOTEURS ......................................... 49 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 50 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 50 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 50 SITUATIONS THAT HARBOR SABOTEURS ............................................................................ 50 MENU FOR MANAGING SABOTEURS .................................................................................. 52 DESCRIBE THE SITUATION ................................................................................................... 52 MANAGE YOUR OWN LIMITING HABITS .............................................................................. 52 STRATEGIES FOR CONTINUING PROGRESS .......................................................................... 53 EXPRESS YOUR FEARS AND ANXIETIES TO YOURSELF FIRST.................................................................. 53 TAKE NOTES DURING EXCHANGES OR RIGHT AFTERWARD. ................................................................. 55 PREPARE TO HANDLE A RANGE OF OUTCOMES. ............................................................................... 56 PREPARE FOR ACTUAL EXCHANGE WITH THE SABOTEUR. ................................................................... 56 RE-ENERGIZE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR .......................................................................................... 56 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING AND GUIDANCE...................................................... 58 GUIDE FOUR: TRANSCEND LIMITING SITUATIONS .............................................. 59 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 59 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 59 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 60 SEEDS FOR PROGRESS IN CHALLENGES............................................................................... 60 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING AND GUIDANCE...................................................... 67 GUIDE FIVE: BLOCK THE BULLIES — WORK AND BEYOND ................................. 69 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 69 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 70 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 70 THE BULLIES’ SETUP ........................................................................................................... 70  FALLOUT FROM BULLYING ................................................................................................. 71 OPTIONS FOR DEALING WITH BULLIES NOW ...................................................................... 72 DOCUMENT THE SITUATION .............................................................................................. 72 CONNECT WITH TRUSTWORTHY, SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE ...................................................... 72 DEVELOP VIABLE, INDEPENDENT OPTIONS ........................................................................ 73 CONTINUING DANGERS AND OPPORTUNITIES ................................................................... 74 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING, AND GUIDANCE .................................................... 77 GUIDE SIX: USE YOUR POWER — FULLY ................................................................ 79 PREPARATION .................................................................................................................... 79 INGREDIENTS ..................................................................................................................... 79 LIKELY RESULTS OF YOUR EFFORTS .................................................................................... 80 FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHT, LEARNING, AND GUIDANCE .................................................... 84 APPENDICES INDEX................................................................................................................................. 86 APPENDIX A: DEFINITION OF COURAGE ............................................................................. 89 DEFINITION OF COURAGE .................................................................................................. 90 FOUR CONCEPTS COMPLEMENTARY TO COURAGE .......................................................................... 91 APPENDIX B: CYCLES OF COURAGE .................................................................................... 93 ABOUT THE AUTHOR ......................................................................................................... 97  1 CHOOSE COURAGE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: PROFIT FROM PROBLEMS “Power resides in the moment of transition from a past to a new state.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, lecturer, and poet ~ “Becoming courageous is a process that involves the willingness to realize your true capacities by going through discomfort, fear, anxiety, or suffering and taking wholehearted, responsible action.” ~ Ruth M. Schimel, Ph.D., Career & Life Management Consultant ~ INTRODUCTION Problems and people tend to keep company. But since no person, situation — or even problem — rarely stays static, there’s always hope for improvement and opportunities for effective action. Given these realities, this handbook is designed to help you profit from possibilities inherent in problems, issues, and blocks. Why let them limit your personal and professional relationships as well as quality of life, now and in the future? Instead, create good outcomes for yourself using your experience, knowledge, and skills. As you bring them together with focused tools, leads, and insights from this handbook, you’ll be even more effective in actual situations. Let the good will implicit in your values and interests infuse your communication and use of resources. All these processes can energize and inspire you to promote pleasure and progress over time. Practical steps and guidance are available for you throughout this handbook. Let’s start with your own interpersonal skills, especially since you may not appreciate them all nor see ways to strengthen and add to them. Why focus on yourself initially? First, that’s where you have more choices and influence. Starting within yourself also provides viable alternatives to blaming others over whom you likely have limited control. Your own powers will become more apparent as you specify your  RUTH M. SCHIMEL, PH.D. 2 current capabilities using the self-assessment below. The five minutes you take to complete the first part will remind you of your strengths. Periodic reviews will support confidence for action and continuing progress. You may also see new ways to improve your skills, abilities, and knowledge. Second, the assessment helps you identify new skills to learn and apply in order to strengthen the quality and quantity of your relationships. And, third, your thoughtful choices about when, how, where, why, and with whom to use your strengths will create additional advantages and opportunities. Actually, the value of interpersonal skills starts earlier in life than you may think. For example, The Washington Post recently reported on data collected in Nashville, Seattle, rural Pennsylvania, and Durham, North Carolina schools since 1991. The outcome based on two decades of tracking 753 kindergarteners indicated their behaviors could predict later success related to getting a college degree and jobs. (See article: If You Want Your Children to Succeed, Teach Them to Share in Kindergarten by Emma Brown: http://wapo.st/1CJR5t6.) Related to the “works and plays well with others” line I remember from my kindergarten report cards, here are the criteria used for assessment of children in the research: • Resolves peer problems on his/her own. • Is very good at understanding other people’s feelings. • Shares materials with others. • Cooperates with peers without prompting. • Is helpful to others. • Listens to others’ point of view. • Can give suggestions and opinions without being bossy. • Acts friendly toward others. No doubt you’ll note the parallels between these behaviors and the adult skills listed in the following self-assessment designed for your own situation and use. USE YOUR FULL INTERPERSONAL CAPACITIES When you take five-minutes right now to review your current levels of skills, knowledge, and abilities, you’ll get an immediate sense of optimism about your interpersonal strengths. The information will help you see what you can do to