Coping with the Death of a Loved One - Counselling Connection (PDF)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with Parenting Step-Children 1 A LIFE EFFECTIVENESS GUIDE Coping with the Death of a Loved One Published by: J & S Garrett Pty Ltd ACN 068 751 440 All Case Histories in this text are presented as examples only and any comparison which might be made with persons either living or dead is purely coincidental  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 2 A LIFE EFFECTIVENESS GUIDE Coping With the Death Of a Loved One CONTENTS Introduction ..........................................................................................................3 Common Reactions................................................................................................4 Stages Of Grief......................................................................................................6 Secondary Losses...................................................................................................8 Feelings ...............................................................................................................10 Prior Losses .........................................................................................................12 Coping With A Loss .............................................................................................14 Helpful Tips.........................................................................................................18 Rituals .................................................................................................................20 Helping Others Grieve ........................................................................................23 Helping Children Grieve......................................................................................25 Gender Differences .............................................................................................28 Abnormal Grief ...................................................................................................30 Moving Forward ..................................................................................................32 Further Reading...................................................................................................34 Support Agencies.................................................................................................34  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 3 Introduction Losing someone you love can be like losing one half of yourself. The pain and emptiness felt during the grieving process can go on for months or years, however no two people will ever respond to the same situation in the same way. Working through grief is a day by day, week by week process. You may have bad days when you think you will never recover from this loss. You may also think that you will never function successfully without this person in your life. The good news is that you will recover and you will be fully functional, if you choose to. Each and every one of us changes in some way after the death of someone we love. Some of us may harden after the experience; some will soften, but those who choose to learn and grow from this tragic time, will go on with their life remembering ‘what was’ and appreciating ‘what is’. Learning about grief is helpful to the grieving process. In this booklet, we will explore the common reactions of those experiencing a loss, together with looking at strategies for coping, assisting others who are grieving and facing the future.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 4 Common Reactions The impact of grief can cause tremendous chaos to all aspects of our life. We all respond differently to grief but the most important thing to remember is that most reactions are normal. Sometimes we find these responses overwhelming but knowing they are normal helps us to come to terms with the changes. It is also important to note that there is no fixed timetable for these reactions. Of course if general functioning is inhibited by any or some of these responses, you should seek medical advice. On this page is a list of common reactions, divided into five sections. Take a moment to tick the boxes which will identify the various responses you are experiencing. Remember that not all people in this situation will experience all the reactions listed. Physical � change in appetite � tightness in chest � headaches � Fatigue and lack of energy � Nausea, diarrhea, indigestion � General aches Behavioural � Sleeplessness � Lack of motivation � Crying (often unexpectedly) � Social withdrawal � Hyperactivity � Reckless behaviour (eg drinking)  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 5 Emotional � Shock, numbness, disbelief � Self blame, guilt � Depression � Anger � Anxiety, panic � Loneliness � Relief or Indifference � Fear Cognitive � Confusion � Poor concentration � Pre-occupation with the loss � Seeing or hearing the person � Dreams of the person who died Spiritual � Anger toward God � Consolation by belief in God � Seeking meaning of loss � Examining meaning of life � Strengthening in belief  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 6 Stages of Grief As complicated as it sounds, grief is a process which can be worked through. A famous psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is recognised as one of the foremost authorities in the field of death and dying. Her first book, “On Death and Dying” is required reading in many universities in the schools of medicine and social sciences. Although the grieving process is very individual, Kubler-Ross found that people who are terminally ill go through similar stages before dying, and these stages are similar for those who grieve the loss of a loved one. These five stages are not cyclical, nor is every stage common to everyone who grieves. It might be useful for you to look at the stages of grief in order to identify where you are now and were you would like to be in the future. Denial Immediately after the death of your loved one, you may experience shock or denial. This is especially noticeable if the death is sudden or unexpected or the result of a long illness where the death was not foreseen. You may only take in small amounts of information according to what you can handle. You will wake up in the morning wanting to push away the reality of the loss and believe only what you choose to accept. This is a perfectly normal reaction except where the denial extends beyond a feasible time. Anger When the full impact of the loss hits home, many of us feel anger. This is a result of having accepted the reality of the loss but yearnings for the loved one emerge. This anger can be directed to the deceased person for deserting or abandoning us or displaced incorrectly to others including people who offer support, doctors and hospital staff or even God. At this time there is a great need to speak about these feelings. Bargaining  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 7 Bargaining is the negotiation stage and is usually when one bargains with a higher being or God. We unconsciously or consciously say things like “if you take this pain away, I will try to get my act together”. Depression Eventually the full impact of the loss will catch up with you. Whether it is a gradual or sudden realisation, you will see that things can’t be undone or changed. You will have to come to terms with the facts and those facts can be the cause of extreme sadness and depression. Depression should be carefully monitored and addressed by professionals if needed. Acceptance The final stage is that of acceptance. Gradually, we recognise that we are becoming more interested in what is going on around us and begin to enjoy what life has to offer. True acceptance comes when functioning has returned and having acknowledged the loss in its entirety. This is achieved when you are able to look back on yesterdays with your loved one, but are able to enjoy today and look forward to tomorrow.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 8 Secondary Losses Losing a loved one can bring about many unexpected changes. When the deceased is someone extremely close like a partner or family member, the loss brings with it other or secondary losses which impact on the lives of the surviving family members. The personal experience of loss should be looked at individually, as no two people will be impacted in the same way. The following list looks at secondary losses a little more closely. Losing someone close to you can mean also losing one’s hopes and dreams. The survivor and the deceased had planned futures together which may include dreams such as owning their home, or travelling together in their twilight years. Losing hopes and dreams can be devastating until such hopes and dreams can be replaced with others. Quite often people lose their faith either temporarily or permanently after the death of a loved one. Statements like “why would God do this to me?” or “life just isn’t worth living” are indicative of someone who has lost either their spiritual faith or their faith in life. Losing a spouse or partner can feel like losing part of self. The individual does not feel whole as their “other half” has gone forever. The survivor feels lost as he/she learns the new roles expected and adapts to life without their partner. Wholeness can be restored over a period of time. In cases where a family member dies, the loss of family structure requires painful readjustment. Not only does the family grieve the personality lost, but the role that person played within the family. Loss of a father may place financial stain on the family which could result in the mother having to undertake a working role. The loss of a mother can mean childcare becomes a challenge, and possibly additional roles for the father.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 9 Losing a loved one can result in social losses including those of friendships and family relationships. Some people find relating to someone who is grieving quite difficult and therefore step back or avoid the survivor leaving the survivor to feel isolated and alone. In-laws and family members may be reminded too much of the deceased and therefore emotionally withdraw from the survivor.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 10 Feelings Feeling a loss is very individual and the above losses are examples only. Because loss is so individual, the list may be exhaustive. Now, examine for a moment what losses you feel. It is useful to take the time to identify and acknowledge these losses in order to understand your emotions and fears. Using the table below, list your losses in relation to the death of your loved one and beside each loss, try to attach a “feeling”. An example is provided on the top line. Feel free to use examples from above, or identify new losses, individual to you. Type of Loss This makes me feel Loss of hopes & dreams I feel sad and depressed because my future is uncertain  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 11 Now that you have started to reflect on your feelings, it is time to understand that these feelings are normal, and neither right or wrong. Denying your feelings is more harmful than getting to know them. If your feelings are overwhelming and you are having physical reactions when reminded of the loss, it might be best to consult your doctor.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 12 Prior Losses Some of us may feel we have encountered more than our fair share of losses in life. The emotion of grief is not restricted to the reaction to the death of a relative or close friend. It can be experienced in many situations including divorce, miscarriage, severe injury, loss of a job or pet, or even when our youngest child leaves home. These experiences can compound our grieving and it is important to acknowledge them in order to understand our particular reaction to the circumstances we are faced with today. A good way to do this is to draw a timeline of our life and the respective losses we have endured. This not only serves as a reminder of various events and people in our lives, but helps identify our various coping mechanisms. On the next page is a timeline of a 30 year old woman named Sue. Sue’s timeline shows several experiences of loss beginning at the very young age of 5 when she lost her family dog. Sue goes on to describe other losses such as her job, having a miscarriage and the death of her best friend due to a road accident when she was aged 20. Now she has lost her mother, who we can see has been a major support person to Sue. If we look closely, this exercise also helps us to identify other strategies used by Sue. For example, notice the rituals Sue talks about such as burials, keeping photographs and even taking a holiday which she remembers as being helpful. Perhaps Sue will apply these very same strategies to assist her grieve the loss of her mother. On a large sheet of paper, draw a time line of your life. Take the time to record major events which caused you to feel pain and sorrow, or other feelings similar to those you are feeling now. Write down your age at the time of the loss, together with any details you remember about how you survived that time. This exercise will not only remind you of other events and people in your life, but you may begin to understand and remember how you got yourself through those intense periods.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 13 Dog died We had burial in backyard. Best friend Anna killed in road accident. Keep photo of Anna Retrenched from work. Mum and I had a holiday together. Had a miscarriage. Mum was & Dad were supportive. NOW Mum died ??????? Age 5 Age 30 Age 26 Age 22 Age 20 SUE  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 14 Coping With a Loss Whether the loss of your loved one was sudden or expected, the grief associated with the loss hurts. Sometimes we put ourselves through unnecessary pain by wishing for things like a better relationship or more time with the deceased, or the opportunity to say things we didn’t say when we were with the person. This is particularly common where sudden and unexpected deaths occur. The important thing to remember is that our loved one loved us for who we are and the person we were in the relationship. Journal writing Many people enjoy journal writing as a therapeutic and healing tool when grieving. Writing our feelings does not always come easy; however, once you start you will soon learn the benefits of getting words down and completely out of your system. Your journal can be a way of letting out your feelings throughout this sad time, or it can be used to communicate things you wished you had said to the deceased. Every time you identify feelings such as anger, fear or sadness, go to your journal and write. After each entry, your feelings will have a lesser impact on your daily life. For example, if you are feeling angry and are able to write about that anger and what made you angry in the first place, you are less likely to behave angrily toward those who do not deserve that anger. Keeping a journal can also be suggested to children in order to help them grieve. Keep in mind that losing a loved one does not end the relationship, but changes it. For this reason, children can use their journal for all the same reasons above, but also to remember their loved one and relay messages they feel are important. On the next page is a template of headings which are designed to help get you started with your journal writing. We suggest that you print this page and cut out the headings individually. Paste whichever headings you feel you would like to write about into your special journal and feel free to create your own.  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coping with the Death of a Loved One 15 � GREAT TIMES TOGETHER � � OUR PRIVATE JOKES � � YOUR FUNNY WAYS � � THINGS I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU � � THINGS I LEARNT FROM YOU � � WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU � � THINGS YOU ANNOYED ME WITH � � OUR PRIVATE SECRETS � � THINGS I NEVER TOLD YOU � ☺ THINGS I’D LIKE TO TELL YOU ☺