PHASES OF GRIEF Shock and Protest Intense Grief (PDF)

When someone close to us dies, we feel as if we have lost a part of ourselves. We may become angry, resentful or depressed. We may question the basic assumptions about the nature of the world and the meaning of our own existence. Grief is normal; it helps us cope with the death of a loved one. Yet, we may fail to understand what is happening to us and try to push aside the painful aspects of grief. Grief brings an unfamiliar combination of feelings, thoughts, and sensations, varying in intensity according to such factors as past experience, the significance of the person in our life, whether the death was sudden or anticipated, and any special circumstance in the death, such as suicide, homicide, or an unknown cause. We may have any one or a combination of the following experiences of grief and mourning: PHASES OF GRIEF The reactions below have been identified as elements of grief. Although some people will experience these reactions in a sequential pattern, others will not. The intensity and duration of each phase will vary from individual to individual. There is no right way to experience grief. It is just experienced as you experience it. A person who is anticipating the death of a loved one also experiences some of these phases of grief. Shock and Protest Feelings of numbness, disbelief, resentment, and anger may prevail. It is hard to believe the person is really dead. Intense Grief Full reality of the loss sets in, as does pain, depression and apathy. The death of a family member may cause changes in family roles. Accommodation Adjustment is made to life and an environment in which the person is gone. Grief becomes less disruptive of daily life. Reorganization The person can be remembered without intense pain or longing; there is renewed hope, new goals, and more emotional energy for others. Anniversary Reactions Re-experiencing the pain of the loss can intensify on particular dates, for example the day the person died or was born. COMMON THOUGHTS I can’t believe this has happened. It’s like a nightmare. Why? It doesn’t seem fair. How will I endure this pain? I should have done more for him/her. Will I be able to love that much again? Nothing seems to matter. I wish I didn’t have to go on living. Are these feelings normal? Am I going crazy? I don’t feel pain; maybe I didn’t really love. I wish I could cry, but I can’t. COMMON FEELINGS Sadness Fear of Death Helplessness Depression Loneliness Anger at self Yearning Anger at deceased Numbness, no feeling Guilt, self-blame Anxiety Relief COMMON PHYSICAL SENSATIONS Lack of energy, fatigue Dry Mouth Loss of appetite Headaches Shortness of breathe Dizziness Hollowness in the stomach Trembling Tightness in the chest and/or throat COMMON EXPERIENCES Loss of interest in activity Intense crying Withdrawal from people Disturbed sleep Absent-mindedness Restlessness Revisiting familiar places Treasuring objects Thinking only about the deceased. WAYS TO HELP YOURSELF • We usually need emotional support during grief. Allow yourself to lean on friends for help and comfort. Seek the religious support you feel would help. • During the first weeks allow friends to help with practical matters, such as grocery shopping, preparing meals, and taking class notes. Your friends will be looking for ways to help you. • Seek persons who have experienced similar losses. They may be able to understand your grief and to give support. • Allow time to grieve; let yourself be alone, especially when you desire it. • Do not force yourself to cry or try to feel things you don’t feel. • Maintain some activity and routine, even when this takes effort. • Remind yourself that what you are experiencing is natural and a necessary part of psychological healing, and is not a result of a mental illness. • Others may become uncomfortable with your grieving, but do not let them cause you to question the propriety or sanity of your grief. • Seek professional help if the intensity of your grief does not change with time. If you become very depressed or anxious, or if you feel confused, disorganized, or suicidal, seek a professional counselor who seems under- standing and knowledgeable about your grief. • Do not push yourself to “get it over with”; you may not feel like yourself for some time, even six months, a year, or more. Quad Peter J. Shields Avenue North Quad A Street Memorial Union Social Sciences & Humanities Building Young Hall East Field Dutton Hall University House Cross Cultural Center Olson Hall AOB 4 Sproul Hall Shields Library North Hall South Hall Voorhies Hall East Quad CAPS is located on the second floor of North Hall in room 219  HELPING THOSE WHO ARE GRIEVING Encountering the grief of friends or relatives may be uncomfortable because we do not know how to help. We may tend to withdraw from the bereaved at the time they need us most, leaving them feeling let down, even abandoned. The bereaved often fear burdening their friends and driving them away, so it is important to make yourself available and let them know you want to help. Your actions will reassure them of your support and provide comfort. There are many ways to help: • During the early days and weeks following the death, help the bereaved with practical matters, such as cleaning, shopping, and running errands. Take the initiative by periodically contacting the person. Do not say “let me know if you need anything” and wait for a call. • Do not be concerned with trying to say the right thing. Be yourself. Honesty and sincerity are the best approach: “I really don’t know what to say, but I want to be with you.” Avoid platitudes, such as “you have to get on with living,” or “be thankful for what you still have,” which may alienate the bereaved. • It is a myth that talking about the death makes matters worse. Usually persons in grief want to be asked about their experience, even when they have difficulty talking about it. Your presence as an understanding, caring friend makes their pain more bearable. However, do not try to take the pain away; you cannot. • The bereaved often need emotional support throughout the first year, not just immediately following the death. They may also have “anniversary” reactions on the date of the loss, or on holidays and other important dates. Do not change your normal style of relating to the person. Your continued friendship is comforting to the bereaved. . CAPS Counseling And Psychological Services 219 North Hall University of California Davis, California 95616-8568 (530) 752-0871 www.caps.ucdavis.edu CAPS HOURS Monday through Friday, 8:00 am - 4:45 pm. FOR AN APPOINTMENT Call CAPS at 530-752-0871 during regular office hours. FOR 24-HOUR CONSULTATION Call CAPS after hours and follow the prompts. ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Cowell Student Health Center 530-752-2300 Campus Violence Prevention Program 530-752-3299 Suicide Prevention 530-756-5000 Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Center Crisis Line 530-662-1133 Alcohol & Drug Abuse Prevention and Treatment (ADAPT) 530-752-6334 County Mental Health: Mobile Crisis (Nights/ Weekends) 530-666-8515 Version 2/18/2009 Grief and Mourning