The Science of Intimate Relationships (PDF)

  The Science of Intimate Relationships   The Science of Intimate Relationships Garth Fletcher, Jeffry A. Simpson, Lorne Campbell, and Nickola C. Overall A John Wiley & Sons, Ltd., Publication  This edition first published 2013 © 2013 Garth Fletcher, Jeffry A. Simpson, Lorne Campbell, and Nickola C. Overall Blackwell Publishing was acquired by John Wiley & Sons in February 2007. Blackwell’s publishing program has been merged with Wiley’s global Scientific, Technical, and Medical business to form Wiley-Blackwell. 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If professional advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Fletcher, Garth J. O. The science of intimate relationships / Garth Fletcher, Jeffry A. Simpson, Lorne Campbell, and Nickola C. Overall pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-4051-7919-5 (pbk.) – ISBN 978-1-118-35516-9 (epub) – ISBN 978-1-118-37870-0 1. Intimacy (Psychology) 2. Sex (Psychology) 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title. BF575.I5F543 2013 158.2–dc23 2012042775 A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Cover image: Cupid and Psyche, 1986. © Calum Colvin. Cover design by Simon Levy Associates Set in 10.5/13 pt Minion by Toppan Best-set Premedia Limited 1 2013  Contents About the Authors xv Preface xvi Part One: Introduction 1 1 The Science of Intimate Relationships 3 2 Intimate Relationships in Context: Key Theories, Concepts, and Human Nature 14 Part Two: The Relationship Animal 39 3 The Intimate Relationship Mind 41 4 The Intimate Relationship Body 69 Part Three: Beginning Relationships: Attachment and Mate Selection 97 5 Born to Bond: from Infancy to Adulthood 99 6 Selecting Mates 125 Part Four: Maintaining Relationships: the Psychology of Intimacy 155 7 Love, Sweet Love 157 8 Reading Minds, Partners, and Relationships 184 9 Communication and Interaction 210 10 Sex and Passion 236 11 Relationship Violence 259  vi Contents Part Five: Ending Relationships: the Causes and Consequences of Relationship Dissolution 285 12 Relationship Dissolution 287 Part Six: Conclusion 313 13 Assembling the Relationship Jigsaw 315 Glossary 327 References 338 Author Index 383 Subject Index 390  Contents About the Authors xv Preface xvi Part One: Introduction 1 1 The Science of Intimate Relationships 3 The Science of Intimate Relationships: a Brief History and Analysis 4 Domains of study 5 An example 7 Interdisciplinary links 7 The relation between mind and body 8 Common sense and pop psychology 9 Research methods 10 Contents of the book 12 Summary and Conclusions 13 2 Intimate Relationships in Context: Key Theories, Concepts, and Human Nature 14 Social Psychology 15 A brief history 15 Interdependence theory 16 Evolutionary Psychology 19 Darwin 19 Darwinian evolutionary theory 20 Selection for survival 20 Sexual selection 22 Parental investment theory 23 Key features of evolutionary psychology 24 Human Nature and Genes 25 What is Human Nature? 27  viii Contents Life History Theory 28 Goals of life history theory 28 Life history mysteries and the critical role of tradeoffs 28 The Strange Nature of Human Development 30 Offloading the heavy lifting: the role of alloparents 31 Inclusive fitness 32 Of human bondage 32 Humans are cultural animals 34 Summary and Conclusions 37 Part Two: The Relationship Animal 39 3 The Intimate Relationship Mind 41 Relationship Goals 43 Lay Relationship Theories 44 General social theories 45 A case study: attribution theory 45 Self-esteem 48 General relationship theories 48 Local relationship theories 50 Self theories 51 Relationship evaluations 51 The Functions of Lay Relationship Theories: Back to the Goals 53 On-line Cognitive Processing: Unconscious and Automatic versus Conscious and Controlled 55 When do people think consciously about relationships? 56 Evidence for this distinction 56 Role of stored relationship theories 57 Self-regulation 58 Interlude and a Caveat 59 Emotions in Relationships 60 Functions of emotions 60 Lay emotion theories and scripts 61 Basic emotions 62 Do emotions get in the way of rational thought? 64 The Distal Origins of the Intimate Relationship Mind: Evolution and Culture 65 Summary and Conclusions 68 4 The Intimate Relationship Body 69 Why Sexual Reproduction? 71 Human Genitalia and their Origins 72 The human body and behavior are windows into our mating past 74 Orgasms, Nipples, Adaptations, and By-products 77  Contents ix Hormones, Sex, and Relationships 78 Sex hormones 80 Cuddle hormones 83 Fight or flight hormones 84 The Relationship Brain 84 Social cognition and the brain 86 The prefrontal cortex (PFC) 86 Emotions and cognitions work together 87 Controlled versus automatic processing 88 Bonding and love 89 The cuddle hormones as neurotransmitters 89 The dopamine system 91 Summary 91 Health and Intimate Relationships 92 Intimate relationships, social support, stress, and health 92 Summary and Conclusions 95 Part Three: Beginning Relationships: Attachment and Mate Selection 97 5 Born to Bond: from Infancy to Adulthood 99 Attachment Theory 100 Brief historical overview 100 Normative features of attachment 103 Mother–infant synchrony 103 Keeping close 104 Four phases of development 104 Individual differences in attachment 106 Attachment in Adolescence and Adulthood 108 Normative processes and outcomes in adulthood 112 Individual differences and outcomes in adulthood 114 Life History Models of Social Development 116 The development of individual differences in attachment and mating strategies 117 Variations on a theme 120 Controversies 122 Summary and Conclusions 124 6 Selecting Mates 125 Searching for a Mate: What do People Want? 126 The Nature of Mating Standards 129 Personality traits, status, and resources 129 Physical attractiveness 130 Summary 132  x Contents The Origins of Mating Standards 132 Good investment 133 Good genes 133 Within-gender Differences in Mating Standards 135 Sociosexuality and mating strategies 135 The menstrual cycle and mate preferences 137 Gender Differences, Mating Strategies, and Short-term versus Long-term Liaisons 139 Physical attractiveness, age, status, resources, and personality traits 140 Sexual variety 142 Explaining Gender Differences in Mate Selection Strategies 144 Parental investment theory 144 Sexual strategies theory 145 Social structural model 145 Resolution 146 Mate Preferences, Self-Presentation, and the Self-Concept 146 How the mating game (and the media) shape the self-concept 148 Explaining Within-gender Differences in Mating Strategies and Preferences 150 Do Mate Preferences Predict Actual Mate Choices? 151 Summary and Conclusions 152 Part Four: Maintaining Relationships: the Psychology of Intimacy 155 7 Love, Sweet Love 157 Love as a Commitment Device: Pair Bonding in Humans 158 The universality of romantic love 159 Biological and behavioral markers of love 159 Romantic relationships are good for you (usually) and they promote reproductive success 162 Maintaining love in the face of alluring alternatives 163 Arranged marriages 166 Monogamy and polygyny 166 Infidelity and divorce: is love meant to last? 167 Summary 169 The Nature of Love 169 Passionate love 170 Self-expansion 170 Physical arousal and stress 171 The slow slide in passion 172 Companionate love 172  Contents xi Links between Passionate and Companionate Love 174 Love styles 175 Sternberg’s triangular model of love 176 Nonlove 176 Liking 177 Infatuation 177 Empty love 177 Romantic love 177 Companionate love 178 Fatuous love 178 Consummate love 179 The Maintenance of Love and Intimacy 179 Summary and Conclusions 182 8 Reading Minds, Partners, and Relationships 184 Looking through the Eyes of Love: Reality versus Illusion in Intimate Relationships 185 Can bias be rational? 187 Research case study 187 Projection 188 Can judgments be biased and accurate at the same time? 188 Two kinds of accuracy 188 Research case study 190 Are people aware of bias and accuracy in their relationship Judgments? 190 A puzzle and an explanation 190 Causes and Consequences of Accuracy and Bias in Partner and Relationship Judgments 192 Links between accuracy and relationship quality 192 Relationship stage 195 First meetings 195 On-going relationships 195 Individual differences and context 197 Self-esteem and stress 197 Security and stress 198 Judgment category 199 An anomaly and an explanation 200 Summary 202 Back to Reading Minds 203 Methods 203 Research findings 203 Individual differences in mind-reading 205 Summary and Conclusions 208  xii Contents 9 Communication and Interaction 210 Couple Communication during Conflict 213 What do communication behaviors predict? 213 Destructive patterns of communication 215 Moving Beyond Conflict 216 The links between communication behavior and cognition 216 Responding to relationship threats: accommodation and risk regulation 218 Regulating risk 219 Regulating partners 221 Summary 222 Good “Negative Behaviors” and Bad “Negative Behaviors” 222 When Honest Communication is Healthy and Good Management Fails 224 Stress is . . . well, stressful 224 Why Adopting One Default Strategy is Not a Good Idea 225 Providing and Communicating Support 227 Relationship satisfaction and support 229 What recipients of support do, think, and feel counts 230 Can partners be too supportive? 231 Conclusions 233 Summary and Conclusions 233 10 Sex and Passion 236 The Biology of Sex 238 Sexual Orientation 239 The origins of sexual orientation 239 Hormones, brain development, and congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH) 240 Genes and homosexuality in men 242 Sexual plasticity in women 243 Gender Differences in Sex and Sexuality 244 Gender differences in sex drive 245 Gender differences in desire for multiple sex partners 248 Gender differences in negotiating sex in relationships 249 Sexual Jealousy 250 Sex and Relationship Satisfaction 252 Does better sex lead to better relationships? 253 Do better relationships lead to better sex? 253 Communication may be critical 253 Individual Differences in Sociosexuality 254 Summary and Conclusions 257  Contents xiii 11 Relationship Violence 259 Gender Differences in Intimate Violence 260 Research using the conflict tactics scale 261 The research bombshell 262 Is the conflict tactics scale reliable and valid? 263 What do the results from the conflict tactics scale really mean? 266 Resolving the paradox 267 All men are not the same 267 Severity and consequences of physical violence 269 Summary 270 Till Death Do us Part: Homicide in Intimate Relationships 270 Explaining Relationship Violence 271 An evolutionary approach 272 A feminist perspective 274 A social psychological approach 276 Explaining variability in intimate violence within and between cultures 279 Can Relationship Violence be Prevented, and if so, How? 281 Summary and Conclusions 283 Part Five: Ending Relationships: the Causes and Consequences of Relationship Dissolution 285 12 Relationship Dissolution 287 Predicting Relationship Dissolution: What Drives Couples Apart? 289 Socio-demographic variables, relationship history, and individual differences 290 Are the fates of relationships sealed before they begin? 292 Relationship-level factors 293 Love and investment 295 Satisfaction level 296 Quality of alternatives 297 Investment size 297 The Power and Limitations of Relationship Maintenance Strategies 297 Consequences of Relationship Dissolution 301 The impact of divorce on children 302 Moving on and letting go 303 Relationship Therapy 305 Traditional behavioral couples therapy 306 Cognitive behavioral couples therapy 307 Integrative behavioral couples therapy 307